Child's Prayer

Today was not a great day to wear eyeliner.

I almost never wear eyeliner anymore, due to laziness. But the one day that I do is like mega tearfest all the day long. For real.

The church is true, my friends. 

Today I had a day full of overwhelming amount of emotion, and it kept kind of falling out of my eyes. I was feeling everything--others hardships, feeling my own, the reality of soon leaving my friends and family, having unrealistic fears of what could happen while I am gone, self doubt and fear, were all right on the surface today. 

And as I prepare for bed and reflect on the day, I am listening to the primary song "A Child's Prayer" that I just sang with Brevitas a week ago. What a powerful song, and what reassurance it brings. Because for the last week I had been feeling "Heavenly Father, are You really there?" I didn't even realize I had been feeling that way until the song began. 

Heavenly Father is there. He hears our prayers.

I believe in Him. I believe in His love for us. I believe.

And I should never wear eyeliner again. Pointless, really.

Thoughts of today

Mentally Strong People: The 13 Things They Avoid

This is an article from forbes.com

http://www.forbes.com/sites/cherylsnappconner/2013/11/18/mentally-strong-people-the-13-things-they-avoid/

For all the time executives spend concerned about physical strength and health, when it comes down to it, mental strength can mean even more. Particularly for entrepreneurs, numerous articles talk about critical characteristics of mental strength—tenacity, “grit,” optimism, and an unfailing ability asForbes contributor David Williams says, to “fail up.”

However, we can also define mental strength by identifying the things mentally strong individuals don’t do. Over the weekend, I was impressed by this list compiled by Amy Morin, a psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker,  that she shared in LifeHack. It impressed me enough I’d also like to share her list here along with my thoughts on how each of these items is particularly applicable to entrepreneurs.

1.    Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves. You don’t see mentally strong people feeling sorry for their circumstances or dwelling on the way they’ve been mistreated. They have learned to take responsibility for their actions and outcomes, and they have an inherent understanding of the fact that frequently life is not fair. They are able to emerge from trying circumstances with self-awareness and gratitude for the lessons learned. When a situation turns out badly, they respond with phrases such as “Oh, well.” Or perhaps simply, “Next!”

2. Give Away Their Power. Mentally strong people avoid giving others the power to make them feel inferior or bad. They understand they are in control of their actions and emotions. They know their strength is in their ability to manage the way they respond.

3.    Shy Away from Change. Mentally strong people embrace change and they welcome challenge. Their biggest “fear,” if they have one, is not of the unknown, but of becoming complacent and stagnant. An environment of change and even uncertainty can energize a mentally strong person and bring out their best.

4. Waste Energy on Things They Can’t Control. Mentally strong people don’t complain (much) about bad traffic, lost luggage, or especially about other people, as they recognize that all of these factors are generally beyond their control. In a bad situation, they recognize that the one thing they can always control is their own response and attitude, and they use these attributes well.

5. Worry About Pleasing Others. Know any people pleasers? Or, conversely, people who go out of their way to dis-please others as a way of reinforcing an image of strength? Neither position is a good one. A mentally strong person strives to be kind and fair and to please others where appropriate, but is unafraid to speak up. They are able to withstand the possibility that someone will get upset and will navigate the situation, wherever possible, with grace.

6. Fear Taking Calculated Risks. A mentally strong person is willing to take calculated risks. This is a different thing entirely than jumping headlong into foolish risks. But with mental strength, an individual can weigh the risks and benefits thoroughly, and will fully assess the potential downsides and even the worst-case scenarios before they take action.

7. Dwell on the Past. There is strength in acknowledging the past and especially in acknowledging the things learned from past experiences—but a mentally strong person is able to avoid miring their mental energy in past disappointments or in fantasies of the “glory days” gone by. They invest the majority of their energy in creating an optimal present and future.

8. Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over. We all know the definition of insanity, right? It’s when we take the same actions again and again while hoping for a different and better outcome than we’ve gotten before. A mentally strong person accepts full responsibility for past behavior and is willing to learn from mistakes. Research shows that the ability to be self-reflective in an accurate and productive way is one of the greatest strengths of spectacularly successful executives and entrepreneurs.

9. Resent Other People’s Success. It takes strength of character to feel genuine joy and excitement for other people’s success. Mentally strong people have this ability. They don’t become jealous or resentful when others succeed (although they may take close notes on what the individual did well). They are willing to work hard for their own chances at success, without relying on shortcuts.

10. Give Up After Failure. Every failure is a chance to improve. Even the greatest entrepreneurs are willing to admit that their early efforts invariably brought many failures. Mentally strong people are willing to fail again and again, if necessary, as long as the learning experience from every “failure” can bring them closer to their ultimate goals.

11. Fear Alone Time. Mentally strong people enjoy and even treasure the time they spend alone. They use their downtime to reflect, to plan, and to be productive. Most importantly, they don’t depend on others to shore up their happiness and moods. They can be happy with others, and they can also be happy alone.

12. Feel the World Owes Them Anything. Particularly in the current economy, executives and employees at every level are gaining the realization that the world does not owe them a salary, a benefits package and a comfortable life, regardless of their preparation and schooling. Mentally strong people enter the world prepared to work and succeed on their merits, at every stage of the game.

13. Expect Immediate Results. Whether it’s a workout plan, a nutritional regimen, or starting a business, mentally strong people are “in it for the long haul”. They know better than to expect immediate results. They apply their energy and time in measured doses and they celebrate each milestone and increment of success on the way. They have “staying power.” And they understand that genuine changes take time. Do you have mental strength? Are there elements on this list you need more of? With thanks to Amy Morin, I would like to reinforce my own abilities further in each of these areas today. How about you?

my life

my life rocks.
my roommates rock.
my voice teacher rocks.
my opera director rocks.
my friends rock.
my bishopric rocks.
i just love everyone,
and my life.

i can give you more details about that sometime.

The Future

Well, here I am.
I graduate in April.
Jigga-whaaaaaat?

Young Artist applications are due in two weeks.
Count 'em--TWO.

Where I would love to sing: LA Opera
Where I am least likely to end up: LA Opera
Where I am most likely to end up: No idea

Singing....
Nobody knows what is wanted. Everyone has a different opinion, everyone likes a different sound.
I do not have THAT sound. The sound that pins you to the wall and makes you go, "WHOA"
This isn't me hatin' on my voice or anything. This is just the honest to goodness truth. I mean, you know those singers. The ones with voice the size of Texas and only have one dynamic level (FFFFFFF). I don't have that voice.
I am fine with this. However, the current opera world seems to be looking for that "WHOA" voice.

I have no desire to "WHOA."
I have the desire to "Wow."

Two very different ideas. Do you know the difference?

If I don't get into a young artist program, then I will extend my study at BYU and reapply the following year. And graduate in December. So, nothing too crazy. Not a big deal to extend a semester. No shame in that.

But I am going to have to work my tookus off this year.

Wish me luck, friends.
I am jumping on the crazy train.

Survival

Friends.

I did it. I survived my first year of graduate school. Mother of pearl, I am halfway done. Shoot. What am I going to do next? 

::shudder::

One week of school left.

one week left.

everyone, i know that you all have a lot to pray for. i also know that you have many people to pray for.
but if you want, you could just throw up a prayer for me. just say, "Heavenly Father, geneil needs help. so much of it. please give her some." and that should cover it.

augh.

i'll pray for all of you, too! life is crazy!

You can't be serious...

....
This week sucks.
Just in case anyone wanted to know.

You know that feeling...

When you are so tired that your lungs won't take in a full amount of air.
And the day isn't over yet.

Snow

I went on a walk today.
And I came back more confused than when I left.
Lost me there, pal. Lost me.

Sun

I saw the sun yesterday!
For the first time in....I don't know how long. It had been weeks. I hadn't seen the sun in weeks.
I had a rough day yesterday. It started out rough, and then it all went downhill from there.
But then at the end of the school day, something good happened. 40 minutes of good. And as I was walking to my car afterwards, the sun came out!!
Coincidence? Unlikely.
The sun was so pretty that I just had to stand there and look at it for a little while.
And then everything seemed a little lighter. 40 minutes of good followed by a little glimpse of sunshine.
And then things started looking up.
I listened to Brahms Requiem.
I Skyped with one of my best friends.
I received a loving comment from someone I care about and respect.
I read about Gregorian chant.
I talked to my Mom. (Hadn't talked to her in awhile.)
I played my ukulele AND my guitar.
And I read about Giulio Cesare.

So, at the end of the day, I had more minutes of good than minutes of bad.

And now I think about yesterday as being a "good" day.

Thank goodness for sun.
Thank goodness for minutes of good.
We'll try again next week.

My life is so unfair

Why is it unfair, do you ask?
Because it is too good.
Don't deserve it, but it is so good all of the time.
Even when it isn't.

....

It has nothing to do with being a Mormon girl.

Voice lessons

I love voice lessons. Who even thought I would say that ever again? I was just so frustrated with singing by the end of last year, I didn't even like it anymore.
I absolutely love my teacher, Dr. Diane Reich-she knows exactly what she is talking about and she knows how to explain it to me. When I don't get it the first time, she can explain it to me in a different way until I do.
She doesn't yell, she is so patient. But not so patient that I have no drive--I have more drive than I have had in a long time.
I am learning so much from her teaching, ---I have made substantial progress and I have only been studying with her for a few months. The first few months were rocky and a little scary, but now I understand her and I know what her goals for me are.

Singing has never felt better or easier than it does right now. I feel like I am just climbing, climbing, climbing. I know that it isn't going to be that way forever, but right now it just makes me so happy.

At first, Dr. Reich didn't really give me a lot of positive feedback--she was just so focused on changing my sound, and fixing this, and tweaking that, and getting me to do this other thing. So I felt like I wasn't progressing, I felt like I wasn't getting any better and like I wasn't doing anything she wanted me to do.

And then I had this lesson where she just said, "Okay, can you HEAR that? Can you hear how much progress you have made and are still making?"
The sudden acknowledgment of the progress made my whole life. It really did, and then it just made me want to work that much harder for the next week.

I had my first lesson of the semester today, and I was nervous for it. Just because I didn't practice as much as I should have over Christmas break. And the young artist competition (if that's even what they're called) are this week. So I was just a little worried.
BUT Once again, Dr. Reich was so patient and just opened me up and she even said I had a gorgeous sound.
:D
ME! She said that about me! About my voice! And she is the kind of woman who would not say that unless she meant it. She doesn't just give empty compliments, she means everything she says.

It's silly how much that little boost can just make me feel driven for the rest of the week--for the rest of the semester, even. So I'm so excited for this semester. I'm so excited for the progress that I am making. And I am so grateful for Dr. Reich and for Aurelia (who is my fantastic accompanist/vocal coach). I am so happy that I get to work with them.

I am in the right place. Sometimes I forget about that. But I am. I chose the right school, and I am where I need to be. Hallelujah.

Out with the old, in the with the new

Well, I told you nothing about my first semester of Grad school.
I'll do that sometime.
But.
I just want everyone to know that I am done with holding on to old things.
I am over it. I am done. I am in a new place, with new people, and a new life.
And it is time for me to start living that way.

That's all I have for the day.
My new semester starts tomorrow, and I am excited to start it with no old things.

BAM.

The Wayfaring Stranger

I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger
I'm traveling through this world of woe
Yet there's no sickness, toil nor danger
In that bright land to which I go
I'm going there to see my mother/father
I'm going there no more to roam
I'm only going over Jordan
I'm only going over home

I know dark clouds will gather 'round me
I know my way is rough and steep
Yet golden fields lie just before me
Where God's redeemed shall ever sleep
I'm going there to see my father/mother
S/he said he'd/she'd meet me when I come
I'm only going over Jordan
I'm only going over home

I want to wear a crown of glory
When I get home to that good land
I want to shout salvation's story
In concert with the blood-washed band

I'm going there to meet my Saviour
To sing his praise forever more
I'm just a going over Jordan
I'm just a going over home

Everyone Sang

Everyone Sang

Everyone suddenly burst out singing;
And I was filled with such delight
As prisoned birds must find in freedom,
Winging wildly across the white
Orchards and dark-green fields; on--on--and out of sight.

Everyone's voice was suddenly lifted;
And beauty came like the setting sun:
My heart was shaken with tears; and horror
Drifted away . . . O, but Everyone
Was a bird; and the song was wordless; the singing will never be done.

Siegfried Sassoon (1886-1967)

Dear World,

I just need to spill. If you want to know what is going on in my brain, here it is for you!

Life: I have no friends. How is that? It has been a long time since I have had to completely start over. I don't like it. I know that I need to give it time, but it is totally weird. I have never known what it felt like to be lonely. Lonely. It's horrible.
I know that I have many many friends all over the place, but I am specifically referring to BYU and even more specifically referring to the HFAC and my apartment complex. I have my cousin, that's true. But I am in this huge place, and I don't have any friends that I see on a regular basis.

Voice Teacher: I really like Dr. Reich as a person. She is really nice, and supportive, she really cares about her students. I am really excited to study with her, I am excited for lessons. I am hoping and praying that we work together well, I hope that she knows how to teach me and my voice. I told her yesterday that I had only had one voice teacher and she seemed surprised. And another student says I was in for a rough ride, because changing voice teachers can be hard. And Dr. Reich agreed. Oh boy, here we go.
She had an ice cream party at her house last night, and after I got there an hour and a half late, she was still nice to me! She made sure that I talked to the other girls in the studio, it is a studio of all girls, which is really interesting. Reichettes...that is what we are called. Ha. Cracks me up.

BYU Singers callback: It was yesterday at 5:00. I just don't know how I feel about it. I don't think I am going to get in. And I really mean that. I don't think my sound is quite what he was looking for. It wasn't because I did a bad job or anything like that, I just don't think my voice is what he was looking for in this choir. The list is supposed to be posted this morning, but I don't want to go find out. Because I know that if I am not on that list, I just might cry. Or maybe I won't! Who knows! I am feeling all wriggly.

Teaching: I suck at this teaching game. I haven't taught individual voice lessons yet, I am actually looking forward to that. However, I am not good at the group voice class because I have no idea what to do or what to expect. I just don't know how or what to teach them. I need to know a more specific schedule, I need an outline. I need something! Sweet mercy.

School: My class load is going to be crazy. YES, I am only really taking 2 sit down classes, but they are going to be insane. Not to mention opera workshop and opera chorus. That is a lot of music to learn. A lot of craziness. Music for the opera chorus class, possibly being in the opera chorus for Cosi, whatever we learn for opera workshop, an entire large opera role for Advanced Vocal Lit, and then whatever rep we are assigned by our teacher. WHAT? PLUS, if I do get into singers, all of the memorization that goes along with that.
I just have to not fall behind on my memorizing, and I will be okay. It is just daunting to look at it as a whole. BLAH.

My ward: So I go to church on Sunday and want to have friends, right? So I talk to some girls sitting next to me. I talk to them for a minute, they seem nice. I sit next to a group of guys in Sunday School and I try to talk to them. They don't talk to me. This pattern continues at church, at family home evening, and our ward prayer on Sunday night. And then I FINALLY figured it out. Those boys don't "waste their time" talking to me, because they already decided that they don't want to date me!! No, for real, because other girls would come up and talk to them and they would talk to them, no problem. But they completely ride me off because they know that they don't want to date me. WHICH IS FINE. But seriously? Friends? Why can't we just be friends? Why do you just assume that because I am talking to you, I want to date you? Really? Augh! So we can forget that guy friends notion for awhile. Because it is ridiculous. There are some things I love about BYU and some things that I most certainly do not.

OKAY. I think I'm good. Whew.

Today

I have much to blog about....a lot to catch up on.
Way sorry.

BUT

Let's talk about today for a minute. Today was an incredible day, really.
I woke up (slept until I was done sleeping).
I ate breakfast while watching Grey's Anatomy (a very good episode, I might add).
I showered.
I ate a lovely lunch that Shaye prepared for us.
I went to work--the matinee of To Kill A Mockingbird. Sadie was my supervisor, which was awesome because I like Sadie.
My fellow House Managers were Tanner and Angie and they are just so fun to work with. We all have such a good time.
THEN
Shaye and I were planning on going to see Les Miserables tonight, so we got our tickets weeks ago. But then Sadie came and we wanted her to come with us. And so you know what we managed? A serious ticket upgrade. We went from sitting in the back balcony to FIFTH ROW, DEAD CENTER seats. Row E. Oh. My. Gosh.
Then Tanner finds lemon bars that were left over from some party--so we ate them.
Then Andrew showed up with four bags full of treats--blueberry, white chocolate scones, tarts, croissants, muffins, danishes, I mean....a ton. That he is just giving away.
Then Austin brought his new puppy over for a visit and she is BEAUTIFUL. Oh my gosh, I definitely needed some puppy time. She was the cutest thing and she just loved to play.
Then a nice man randomly came and gave us a box of homemade chocolates because, "we are the unsung heroes of the Shakespeare Festival." For. The. Win.
Then, after all of the guests had left, I realized that I hadn't been yelled at by one person! Everyone was so friendly today! Huzzah!
Then work was all over and Sadie and I were walking home and it started to rain....and then IT RAINED.
I got home, took my shoes off, and went and just stood in this rain. Lightning, Thunder, Crazy Rain. I was soaking wet within a minute. The kind of rain that you only see in movies. Holy cow, it was awesome.
Then I made dinner for me and Sadie--really yummy tacos. We had to counteract all of that sugar we had just consumed.
Then I took a second shower, because I was really nasty from standing out in the pouring rain for 45 minutes.
Then Sadie and I went and took Shaye her Les Miserables ticket, because she was going to be late.
Then Sadie and I went and sat in our INCREDIBLE seats!!!!
And then
and then, and then, and then.....
The show started.
It was heart-wrenchingly beautiful. Oh my gosh. I wept through the entire thing. This show is one of those shows that makes you reevaluate your life. What's important, what matters, what are you doing with your life.....It really makes you think.
It was the kind of beautiful that makes your heart hurt. And your chest feel like it is going to burst because it is so full of feelings.
Blows my mind.
What a fantastic day. Wow.
I would ask for another day just like today, but I don't think I have the emotional capacity for that again. WHEW.
I'm exhausted.

The end is near

The end of undergrad is in sight.

Wow

Where did that time go?