Things change, Jo.

I have a few things on my mind and no way to get them out. So here we go...
I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, guys. I'm not all "open" or "share-y". I'm just not. Never have been. Let's face it, probably never will be. So it's weird to write this down where people might actually read it...but I'm giving it a try.
Things change. People change. Thoughts change. Opinions change.
I change. I have changed. I keep changing.
I think back on the person that I was four years ago. Three years ago. Two years ago. One year ago. What happened? When did I change? There are these huge, significant differences between each of those years. WOW.
Now here I am. I finished my Junior year of college. I'm home for summer. I went to Florida. I went to Girl's Camp....
and I have changed in two months time.
and I am changing more every day.
I don't see things in black and white. I see all of the gray scale in between and all of the colors in between. I have known this about myself my whole life...but it's just now that I am realizing what that means to me.
I also figured out that I am a forgive and forget kind of person. I say "I'm over it" and then I forget that it even happened. BUT whatever effect it had on me sticks. Which is really annoying, sometimes.
Like that lack of trust thing? Yeah, I kind of wish I could shake that.
But all the same, I love so many people. I appreciate every person who came into my life. Even the ones who came into my life, tore me apart, and then left. I appreciate them too.
Because they changed me. Changed me to be who I am.
And I thank them for that.
I'm grateful for the strength.
I'm grateful for the courage.
I'm grateful for the change.

The Professional Choral Institute: Day 15

Sunday, June 5--The Last Day

The bus was leaving for Ft. Lauderdale at 10:00. Our last performance was tonight at 6:00. It was going to be a four hour bus ride to Ft. Lauderdale...so at least we had lots of time to spend with PCI.
Taliah and I sat next to each other and then we sat around Mariam Osman, Andrew Hoy, Tom Regan, Cecilia Lo, Brett Bailey and David Evans. We started playing Three Truths and a Lie. I was having a hard time with that one. I couldn’t think of anything that wasn’t completely obvious. YEESH. But it was fun and it was a really good way to get to know each other. It was a long bus ride but it was totally fun the whole way over. Joey Quigley kind of had little exit interviews with us. He just asked us what they could improve on for next year and I could honestly said "No improvements, I thought it was awesome! I loved every minute of it." He laughed a little because I was just SO happy. I did joke about how I was put down as a soprano and how that was a BIG MISTAKE. :]
Ft. Lauderdale is beautiful. It’s a completely different kind of city than Tampa. I really loved it. I loved the scenery and the way the little shops were all lined up.
We got to All Saints Episcopal church and dropped off our stuff and had to run and find somewhere to grab lunch. We ended up at a restaurant called Mangos with some PCI people and some Seraphic Fire peeople. I ended up sitting with Mariam, Kat Mueller (from Seraphic Fire), Taliah, and Brett Bailey. Very fun. Kat is so great and it was fun to get to know her a little bit and some of her background. She was very personable and incredibly kind. I loved hearing her tell stories about how she is a pesco-vegetarian and how she is earth friendly. She goes, “Well, I am kind of a vegetarian….I eat fish. Because, you know, I could kill a fish.” Yup, I definitely liked her from the very start. After lunch we still had about 15 minutes and Kat thought of going to grab some frozen yogurt. Best idea EVER. Vanilla frozen yogurt with strawberries and blueberries? What could be better?
We ran back to the church and got ready and had a sound check. The acoustics in the church were AMAZING. We were all so excited for our last concert.
Singing tonight was just so fun. I almost cried at least six different times. Every time we ended a movement, it made me so sad to think that it was the last time that I would be singing this beloved requiem with these beloved people. It was so fun. I didn’t leave that concert wishing that I had given it a little more. I gave it all I had. Despite the tears.
Seraphic Fire sang “There will be rest” as an encore. Have you heard that song? Look it up--it’s on Seraphic Fire’s Christmas CD. No one could sing it better than Seraphic Fire. It is one of those songs that instantly makes your eyes tear up and makes your chest feel so full that it could burst at any minute.
After the performance we talked to the audience members. They were so great, I could tell that many of them must be regulars. Some cute ladies told us how lucky we were to be there.
Trust us, we know.
The bus ride back was a PARTY! Everyone stopped off and got some supplies for the road home. Alcohol for everyone...ice cream for me and Taliah. :]
We all talked and had fun and celebrated a good two weeks.
We got home at around 2:00 in the morning.
Goodbyes suck so bad. Everyone has been so wonderful and I just really liked everyone! Hopefully we will all see each other again someday. I'm sure we will.
We had to say goodbye as people got off the bus. We said goodbye to the USF people. We said goodbye to Seraphic Fire. We said goodbye to the Western Michigan people.
Man, it was hard. Tomorrow I hop back onto a plane...back to real life.
Goodbye Florida. Goodbye PCI. Goodbye USF. Goodbye everyone. Goodbye Requiem.
I’m going to miss you all. It’s been a pleasure.

The Professional Choral Institute: Day 14

Saturday, June 4
Today was the day of our first performance! However, we had nothing else to do ALL day. So we just slept until we were done sleeping. Cecilia, Taliah, and I slept until about 11:30. I never sleep that late! But it was so nice to relax and just chill because we were all just so tired.
My lesson with Suzanne was at 3:30. So I ate some lunch and headed over to the School of Music to warm up and un-freak myself out. I tried warming up...oh my gosh, the vocal cords were SO not happy with that.
I met up with Suzanne and we found a practice room and we started. She had me sing the Satie piece and then she did some vocalizing with me. She helped me out with some placement in my middle register. She helped me figure out the balance between a bright vowel and a dark sound. She also worked on some breath things with me--keeping my breath going and my tone spinning on every note, not just some of the notes. It was very good and so helpful. She was very nice and we talked about my voice a little bit and what direction it was headed. Bad news...she says I am heading toward Full Lyric Soprano land. Oh well, Mezzo Pants. I guess I can’t wear you forever. But I am still going to enjoy you while I can. We also talked about where I was planning on going to Grad school and what kinds of places I was looking into. She recommended that I also look into Kansas schools, Texas schools, one in California, and a school in Colorado. So now I have some more options. Too many choices, I’m tellin’ ya.
After my lesson, Dr. Diamond was kind of holding a vocal pedagogy workshop/master class for anyone that wanted to come. It was very interesting—-I learned a lot of interesting things. He talked about some things you should work on in the practice room—-legato, breath support, agility, onset, etc. I am excited to try to employ some of those practice techniques into my practice routine.
Then we had to get ready for the performance! Woohoo! I ran into a practice room and got dressed and then we all met for sound check. After sound check we had “circle.” We all stood in a circle and held hands and we said something that we were thankful for. Then Patrick told us what Professor Guttenberg has been telling us for years, “People don’t come to concerts to listen to music, they come to concerts to watch people make music together.” Then we all hugged and wished each other luck and had a few minutes before we started.
The performance was so great. It was fun to be able to sing the whole Requiem in the order that Brahms wrote it in. It was incredible. It was also great to just SING them without worrying about complete perfection. Prof. Guttenberg says it all of the time: “Perfect music is boring.” She’s right.
In celebration of a successful concert, Taliah and I went Chili's with Brett Bailey, Zaray Rodriguez, David Evans, and Cecilia. It was so fun. I love hanging out with them. We talked about geeky music things. Because we are all SUCH music nerds. Oh man, so bad.
But you know what, I admit it. I’m a proud music nerd. It’s the best kind of nerd to be. :]
Only one more real day. I’m so not okay with the fact that it’s almost over.

The Professional Choral Institute: Day 13

Friday, June 3
We didn't get to sing at all today. Isn't that just AWFUL? It was horrible, not singing today. It felt so weird. I didn't like it. So I sang the Requiem in my head ALL day. :]
We got to sleep in, which was nice. All we had on the schedule was a little question and answer session with Seraphic Fire and the audio engineers at 1:00.
We went to the choral rehearsal hall and we all set up this big circle of chairs. We got to hear the Seraphic Fire singer tell us about themselves, where they went to school, how they started singing, etc It was really cool to hear their background and get to hear about them and what they do. It was really neat to see how much of a family they all seemed to be--they were all such good friends and seemed to be supportive of each other. They all just had fun talking to us and answering our questions.
Something that amazed me was that none of them had any problem talking about their talents and their abilities. They have worked so hard to develop them and they had no problem saying it. None of them sounded like, “I-am-the-best-singer-this-world-has-ever-seen-...so...IN-YOUR-FACE.” It was really cool to listen to them and realize that you can have confidence in your abilities without it sounding like bragging. You know what I’m saying?
The PCI people asked them questions like “How should I dress for an audition?” “How do I know if I am ready for an audition?” “What kinds of connections do I need to have?”, etc. The answers were all very helpful and I learned so much.
Then we had a info session and Patrick talked to us about the Grammy process and how all that works. We have to fill out forms and do all of these things and then advertise for it like crazy the week that it's coming out.
I sincerely hope that everybody I know purchases this disc. It's going to be absolutely beautiful. You will love it even if you don't like classical music. It's gorgeous. And if it doesn't win a Grammy, it doesn't matter. You know why? Because this was the most incredible experience in my life so far. It is the most beautiful music ever made. In my humble opinion. So if it doesn't win...then they just don't understand. Which is okay.
After it was over, I talked to some of the Seraphic Fire folk. They were all really great, I was happy to talk to them. I caught up with Suzanne and arranged a lesson for tomorrow. We’ll see how that goes, I guess. Trying to sing some solo rep might not work out so well with my fairly tired vocal cords. But she's a pedagogue. She’ll understand.

After we got home from the Q&A, our roommate Cecilia asked Taliah and I to join her in going downtown to go to dinner. By way of public bus. Sure, we said. Sounds like a good idea. Maybe?
Cecilia figured out the bus schedule and where the stops were and what was around. So we quick got ready and met the bus. I was feeling quite wary of the whole situation, but that's normal for me. I was going out of my comfort zone, why shouldn’t I be wary?
We got dropped off in this SKETCHY neighborhood and there weren't really any people around. We walked fairly quickly and then we got into a more populated area. After much wandering, we finally found some places to eat. We went to a nice little Italian restaurant. We liked it a lot but it was a bit expensive. They made all of their own noodles and imported all of their ingredients. FANCY PANTS. Then we looked around for a little while afterwards. We found a fountain and a park and a river to go look around. It was really pretty, I loved being able to explore a different part of Tampa. Then we had to book it back to the bus stop in the dark. It was so scary. The bus ride home was scary. But we made it home safe and sound and I am glad we went.
Yay for adventure!

The Professional Choral Institute: Day 12

Thursday, June 2

The day of the second recording session! Yippee, right?
I think we lost some our adrenaline, so it went okay, but it wasn't as high energy as the day before.
We were going to be recording movements 1, 3, and 7. Patrick also wanted another shot at movement 4 if we were going to have time.
This recording was definitely different. There were so many parts that we just couldn’t get right! It started to get a little more intense towards the end of the first session. Like, in movement three, for example--there is one part where we sing, “wie nichts.” Yeah, okay, try saying “wie nichts” and getting that all together. It was ridiculous. We sang it dozens of times. Over and over. And people were starting to get a liiiiittle frustrated.
BUT IT’S OKAY! WE GOT IT!
We had dinner at Panera again with Lanette and Ruthie. That was quite fun. Since it was just the four of us, we could have more of a real conversation. We got to know Lanette and Ruthie a little better. Lanette isn’t even majoring in or studying music. She just thought this sounded fun and auditioned. Isn't that just awesome? And Ruthie is an incredible singer--she is a teacher and she is getting ready to do her Master's at USF.
When we had to go back to the recording session, everyone was kind of having a hard time. Everyone was pretty low on energy, tired, getting frustrated. Peter and Patrick kept telling us to say "I'm so happy to be here", "I love singing" , “Now hug the person next to you.” Ha ha. Believe it or not…it totally helped. :] I think we should have to do that more often than we ever do.
So we finally finished those three movements and then we starting recording movement four again. It was going pretty well. We started really making music with it and getting our energy back up. I think the fourth movement is just kind of our piece that we can all just make music and not worry so much. It is the grounding place for all of us, we all feel comfortable and happy in movement four.
After the fourth movement, we started recording the beginning of movement 1 again. The opening is so important and you have to have it just right! Patrick finally just said, "You guys, just sing. Don't worry about it. Just sing." And Seraphic Fire started singing and we all just tried to feel the music when we came in. No worries. Just singing.
Patrick started to tear up while he was up there conducting. Then I started getting all teary! I realized that this was it. It was happening. Here I was. With these people. We were making real music. I thought it was the most beautiful piece of music ever written. There we were, singing the best we know how. And it was beautiful. Patrick thought it was beautiful. When we were all done we were so happy that we just applauded like mad! Then Peter came out and talked to us. He was in tears saying that he has loved the Requiem since he was fourteen and he never heard it sound as beautiful as we had just performed it.
It was so exciting, I can't even tell you. I just wanted to cry. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. My feet could have lifted off the ground. My heart was so happy that I thought it was going to burst.

In celebration, we went and got ice cream with Kristen, Zaray, Brett, David, and Sarah. Taliah and I were on a HIGH. We were SO happy and excited! The rest of the people we were with didn't seem nearly as excited as we were, but that's a-okay.
Taliah and I got home and talked for a long time. About the music, about the people we were with, about how wonderful it all is. Because it is. This music is glorious. Singing it is glorious.
::operatic voice:: GLOOOOORIOUS!

The Professional Choral Institute: Day 11

Wednesday, June 1

Taliah and I tried to do some laundry this morning. We didn’t have very many quarters so we thought we would just let our clothes air dry. Guess what? It is pretty much impossible to air dry clothes in Florida. Fail.
RANDOM FUNNY FACT: Dr. Bass loves Brahms, right? His dissertation was on Brahms. But he loves Mahler even more than that. In fact, he even has a Mahler tattoo. Yes. That is how much he loves Mahler. Love that man.
ANYWAY...
We started the recording process today! We were all a little nervous. Everyone was telling us how intense it was going to be!
Taliah and I got there early so that we could warm ourselves up beforehand. Thankfully PCI got together before the recording session and stretched and warmed up together. It helped us unify a little.
Brett Karlin gives the best shoulder rubs ever. So whenever we stood in a circle for shoulder rubs, he always made sure to stand by me and I always made sure to stand by him. Perfect arrangement. :]
When we started recording we were all really tense. Especially the PCI Singers. I think we were just all so nervous. But after one run through...it started going well! We started the recording session with the fourth movement. We spent a little over an hour on the fourth movement--but that's was my favorite to sing, so that works for me! Patrick said, “Okay, now everything else has to take about half that amount of time.” So then we recorded movement 5--it was so awesome. Tess is an incredible singer if you ask me. She is a remarkable musician. I loved the way she sang that piece. When I was first learning the fifth movement, it wasn’t my favorite. I didn’t like the solo or the choral part behind it. I thought it was “EH”. But no longer. Tess performs it amazingly. Wow. It is absolutely beautiful. I can't wait for all of you to hear her sing it.
Then we started recording the first part of movement two. Holler-fest!
So that thing about being absolutely silent during the recording session...YEAH. You can hear everything in there. It was raining and we could hear it all the way outside. We could hear if someone was walking around from three rooms away. There was a random light humming that you never would have been able to hear...but we could hear it. The slightest breath, an ankle cracking...anything. The silence was practically deafening.
It kind of looked like a beach party on stage--everyone was in comfy clothes, they had towels to stand on, socked feet. How fun is that? We just kind of chill in the ground in between slates.

We were much relieved for our break because we could kind of get some of our wiggles out. I talked to Ruthie about USF as a Grad School. She said that Dr. Diamond is a fantastic teacher and you can’t beat the facilities. TRUE. I don't know if I could live in the Florida heat? Eh?
The second recording session was awesome. I was on such an adrenaline high that I just really loved every minute of it. I left feeling so excited and everyone knew that we were ROCKING. Patrick said, “We are kicking this Requiem’s TRASH.” WOOHOO. We were singing the heck out of those pieces and they were beautiful. We recorded movements 2, 4, 5, AND 6! All in one day! Isn’t that awesome?! Yeah buddy.
(Okay, I actually edited what he said. I liked what he said better, but I didn't think I should post it...)

On a different note: Professor Guttenberg has always talked to me about her friend Suzanne who is a vocal pedagogue. I have talked to Suzanne on the phone and heard all about her and Professor Guttenberg has talked to her about my singing and such. Little did I know that the Suzanne was IN Seraphic Fire! So I finally got to actually meet her. She's real! She’s practically been my co-teacher for the past 3 years. Professor Guttenberg encouraged that I should have a voice lesson with her. SQUAWK. So we might have a little vocal coaching session when this week is out....awesome.
One more recording day to go...

The Professional Choral Institute: Day 10

Tuesday, May 31
It’s the day before recording! We start tomorrow! Isn’t that unbelievable?! How did all of this time fly by? We had a pre-recording session today. The recording engineer and producer came and they talked to us about proper behavior during a recording session. Things like how to turn our pages, what not to wear, you could only wear socks, no shoes, bring a towel to stand on, don’t move, don’t open your mouth, don’t let any of your bones crack. Wow. It’s going to be intense.
We practiced in the concert hall like we had been. Did I mention that USF has a brand new music building? It’s huge and gorgeous. The concert hall that we are rehearsing in is absolutely huge and is specifically designed for acoustics. WOW.

They set up microphones and other sound equipment all over the stage. The PCI kids warmed up together and then Dr. Bass voiced us and set us all up in a recording order.
I don't know how he does that. How does he know what everyone sounds like? He has only known us for a week! How does he know where we will sound good and where we should stand so that our blend is flawless? Why does he put people where they are? How does he know?! We stood in one big line behind Seraphic Fire. I was sort of middle back. Whatever the significance of that is. Who knows. I was standing in between Ruthie and Steve. Why are we all placed like that? Fascinating, right? Someone please explain. Someday I will work up the guts to ask Dr. Bass about that.
Then we began. We’d start singing and the sound engineer would come and move the microphones around a little and then we would keep singing and he would adjust them again. It was a long and productive rehearsal. Tomorrow we begin the recording. May the Lord be with all of us as we record this incredible piece.
Taliah and I came home and ordered a pizza in celebration. And don’t worry...we ate the whole thing by ourselves. THE WHOLE THING. A large Pizza Hut pizza! How did this happen? I don’t actually know. All I know...is that it did happen.
No good. But so fun.
We watched a movie and we laughed A LOT. More than I have in a long time.
I love Florida. I love Taliah (Have I mentioned how much I just LOVE Taliah?!). I love music. I love these singers that are scattered across the country.
Please don’t let this trip end.